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Baby O,

Country: San Bernardino, USA Date to Memoralise: October 10, 2015

My baby,

I miss you SOOOO so incredibly much. Everything I do is for you. I am so sorry I wasn’t brave enough to let you grow. I’m so sorry my baby sunshine. I would calculate when you were still inside me and you could have been brought to this world on Mother’s Day of 2016. You didn’t deserve this. I still think about what could have been.

Sometimes I feel like you didn’t deserve a mother like me. I wish I could have given you the world. At least a few times a year I cuddle up with the ultrasound pictures of you and pretend you never left. In your honor, I have worked so hard in everything I thought I couldn’t have done. I want to make you proud. There has been times where I think to myself that none of these achievements and growth is worth it if I don’t have you. I would do anything to have you back. I know it’s not possible so I try everyday to do right by you.

Sometimes I think working for space would bring me closer to you. You are my sun, moon, and stars. I love you as much as the universe keeps expanding. I never knew I could love someone so much without knowing them. I am so sorry I couldn’t be the mom you needed. I’m sorry that me and your dad were not ready. I wonder if you were a boy or a girl. If you were a boy, you most likely would have be named after your father. You would have been the fourth of his name. For a girl, we liked the name Adaline. I still can’t believe sometimes that I had you in my tummy. You were my first pregnancy. You made me a mom.

I still long for the life we could have had together if I had my life together or if I had better parents and support system. I really couldn’t have brought you into this world at that time and for that I’m sorry for bringing you into existence. I hope wherever you are, you’re well. I’m always going to keep the memory of you in my heart for as long as I may live. For the short time period I’ve known you, you made such an impact in my life. You irreversibly changed the course of my life. I never knew I could love this much. Throughout the hardships in life, nothing will stand in my way to make you proud. Per aspera ad astra.


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