Country: Ventura county Date to Memoralise: July 13th 2019
For my whole life I lived in fear and let set up camp inside my heart. I vividly remember being so afraid of the dark when I was a little girl. I felt so vulnerable and scared. I felt so alone and no matter who I was with I felt fear slip inside my bones and sink it’s teeth into my soul. And one day when I got a little older, I saw a little blinking light. It broke through my darkness and gave me hope. It shined the brightest I have ever seen and maybe this was what would destroy the darkness and make me feel safe again.
As I laid on a tiny gurney in the hallway, because there were no more rooms in the hospital. It was that moment on that tiny screen I saw your soul come alive a fluttering heart blinking! I knew in that moment. your little heart could be all mine. To love and treasure for the rest of my days. My heart and soul was filled! A mother wow! I felt so special and it was so new. It was the most hope I felt since I was a child. BUT…..Than fear, peeked across a imaginary door and reminded me what was on the other side. “Remember your not married, he wouldn’t approve.” Remember you are not established.” “Your just another statistic now.” “You may be permanently used goods or worst die in child birth!”
The fear and anxiety wrapped it’s long arms around me and pulled me under and was relentless with the torment of drowning me in negative thoughts. I scratched at a bed post for weeks, pulled at my hair. Had moments where I looked at baby clothes and brought a few items home and took a few pictures of a belly not showing so I could get excited for a small timeline. I was so conflicted. What should I do? What would someone else do? What mattered? Do I matter? Does the child matter? The questions just kept coming with answers to guide me. The voices surrounded me with opinions we’re making me feel insane and there was no option that seemed to settle the fear. Days, weeks, now a two months went by and I would make at least 5 appointments just to cancel them. I would hold my tummy and cry and tell you how I would protect you as I drove on the freeway. How happy I was to be a mother. I was so happy you chose me. But so ashamed that you chose me too. I was not responsible. I was impulsive, anxiety filled and depressed. I was codependent and unsure what I wanted. Why you chose me I’ll never know. Why I didn’t take more precautions I leave it to being human and deeply flawed. I have no better answers honestly. Just the raw truth.
Brave, just know I suffer. I suffer knowing I will never see your beautiful eyes and rosey cheeks. I’ll never will see you laugh or cry or hear you sing. I’ll never see your golden locks as the sun shines on you. I will never exchange buttery fly kisses with your soft lashes as we giggle and cuddle close. You never will experience a earthly love or dance underneath the stars or swim with the fish or feel rain fall upon your lovely skin. And music. How could I let you miss that?! It’s one of the greatest gifts on this planet! And for all this I have no words to make anything better. I was not brave. I was a weak coward and fearful of how you would change my life. You would have changed it for the better. I am more lost without you.
The last moment I really remember was placing my hands on my tummy the closest I could reach you and crying on the floor of a shower as water rolled off my back and tears flowed from my eyes. I sobbed. Maybe intuitively my body knew what was to come. I’m not sure. I do know I was so afraid. You were brave. You were ready for this world. Because of you maybe I don’t have to live in fear. Maybe you can reach my heart from the beyond. Maybe you still have a purpose in my life. Brave just know you stole my heart forever. I have been permanently touched by an angel. A mark that will never fade. That will live with me til my last breath on this earth. Whoever and where ever you are. Mom loves you and is deeply sorry for what it’s worth. I lost the greatest human I’d ever meet. May fear never win and may you always be brave.
Gods speed. May Grace and forgiveness lead