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To my baby T

Country: Australia

Date to Memorialize: September 2023 & Feb 2024

I'm terribly apologetic for not being strong, mature enough to protect you. Just want to let you know that you were sinless, and sorry if I caused you any constant harm in my womb when I was taking my usual mental health medication.

The night before the day I found out my pregnancy I dreamt of a turtle on the seashore and that came to me for a hug. So, I named you T afterwards. I was baffled to face my reality as I'm not married and financially unstable, meanwhile the childish side of me felt horrified of imagining myself to face morning sickness that I've seen in media. I went for ultrasound and heard your heartbeat at week 7.

Surprisingly I didn't have any notable symptoms, except frequent toilet visits. I was torn between keeping or abortion after experiencing smooth 1st trimester unlike other pregnant women. You definitely made my life easier and grow me up, by making me think positively despite of my horrible personal circumstances, to be my best friend when I had chats with you by our hearts. And whispering to me that I'm worth of living.

That's why when my healthcare workers from mental health service suggested me abortion, I strongly disagreed it. Because I always wanted to be the love that I have never received from my own mother. As I came into 2nd trimester, at 16 weeks I found out your gender(boy) and thanks to my high sensitivity I felt your movement. My social worker told me that I don't have much time left. She told me the reality that I faced, that I can't keep you.

It was the hardest dilemma I faced in my life but after days I came to accept that it would be extremely hard to raise a kid without a roof on our head, with absence of dad and loving surroundings. If I ever introduced you to the world, I felt that living in world would be painful. So, I firmed the decision. For few hours after abortion, I felt free as I was able to eat raw food again, no more annoying frequent pees and responsibilities I might be faced in nearest future. However, a wave of sadness came onto me when a nurse requested me to take a glance of you came out of me at week 17 and I agreed. I burst into tears when I saw you, especially the moment I took a look at your ears. Your earlobes had the exact shape as mine, that I always hated after my mum called them ugly as a kid. You were laying peacefully but lifelessly.

How can you kill a life that has your heredity? I felt guilty and shameful for killing my potential best friend. The night after abortion, I dreamt of same turtle at the seashore I saw previously. But this time it was killed by a group of fishmongers. I woke up with tears again because I felt I was the one who sent the fishmongers to kill you. From young, I didn't want to be a mother as I knew the weight of responsibility of life is heavier than what it's being seen- growing up as the oldest daughter in family who has been a second mother to my younger sibling and face consequences for all his wrongdoings. However, after feeling your existence, it won't be same- all lives are precious and being a mother is the wonderful experience for women. And a child will always grow in mother's heart after the departure from world.

Thank you for giving me such this valuable experience and help me to mature. Thank you for knowing me so well that you prohibited my body to have morning sickness and to make myself feel better despite of my mental health illness and spiking hormones. I will never ask you to be my baby again because you deserve so much better, to reincarnate and born into more loving, supporting and happier family. Although your flame of life is gone, you're always living in my eternity forever. Always keeping you in my heart even after my last breath.


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